Similes: Now with More Creepy

I'm watching Israeli Survivor (yes, I'm drinking the kool-aid again), and one dude, when talking about his group of enemies on the show, just said "I'm like our country, and they're like Gaza, like Palestine. They're throwing rocks at me, they're bothering me, and I'm going to fight back hard. Then, I'm going to deport them all."

*crickets*

Distraction!

This is a photo of people having candle wax dripped on their backs. I took this photo today while watching an Israeli game show called "Distracted," where contestants have to answer basic questions while placed in very distracting positions. Such as having HOT WAX dripped on them! Doesn't that technically count as torture?

Then, the winning contestant, Benny, who squealed a lot in a high voice, had to answer more questions. When he got a question wrong, the contestants who had lost earlier destroyed one of his prizes by hitting them with hammers. He was left with the non-destroyed items.
The two items they destroyed were a digital camera and a computer.

I... have no words.

Hey, It's the '90s!

I've been keeping these vintage Aviv Geffen videos up in my tabs all day, and they're making me Internet slow, so it's time to unleash them onto you. The vids are from one of my favorite shows from childhood--Inyan shel Zman ("A Matter of Time"). The show is about cool Israeli '90s high school kids with ratty hair, who I always wished I could be. Basically my move to Israel is just me trying to be a '90s Israeli teenager.





(Ah, her leather jacket is AMAZING.)

Aw, shit, I'll just throw this in as well: This next vid is Yermi Kaplan's Kvar Achshav (which is on the radio all the time). It was the theme song for another '90s classic show, Hafuch ("Upside Down"). I don't even remember what this show was about, except that post-army Israeli characters traveling in India were somehow involved. Naturally.



(Also, yikes, what is the deal with his hair? Eeek.)

(Oh, and all the characters' dresses--omg!)

Out of Control!

I cannot handle how over-the-top the Survivor finale is right now.

My sister took this incredibly flattering picture of me watching the show.

Thank god Netali was voted off. I voted for Arik in the last minute. OMG WHO WILL WIN? I die.

The Transitions in This Blog Post Are Lacking

Things have been rather quiet on ye olde mfthewebsite. That's because one of my only readers, my little sister, is visiting me from Obamaland. I "blog" to her on a regular basis by "talking," so "blogging" seems rather redundant.

I will say this, though: Visiting your favorite serene artists' village is not as fun once you realize the artists created this village by taking over "abandoned" Arab houses. The visit is further dampened by your realization that all the Arab owners of the houses live 5 minutes away in a makeshift village of their own.

But the Dada museum in the Ein Hod Artists' Village is still pretty cool. Check it out.

I will also say this: The Survivor finale is coming up, and I barely even care who's going to win. What is happening to the world? And how will I pass the time after Survivor ends? Only time will tell.

I will finish with this video:

Reason for video: An obnoxious blond with a Paris-Hilton-like baby voice and a tiny puppy was parading herself around the cafe where my sister and I were eating breakfast. After a while, I realized she was Rony Superstar, the lamest Israeli pop sensation of all time, and singer of the "song" in the video above. I'm still embarrassed by the lameness level of Israeli celebs I recognize.

Oh, that reminds me: I went to see Yona Wallach: The Play the other day. They actually performed Tefillin (though without the last stanza for some reason). And they performed Strawberries, one of my favorite poems. The play was aight, though I think they could've done a lot more with the poems. I also think I should've been able to watch Tefillin performed without giggling. This was not the case, unfortch.

Slow Clap

I cannot stop watching this video or singing this song in my head. The video might not make sense if you don't know Hebrew (or if you do know Hebrew, actually), but it's a satire on hasbara (the Israeli government's "PR" around the world). What I like about it is that it's vague enough that half the people don't get that it's a joke. That is my favorite type of video.


The video comes from Eretz Nehederet ("Our Great Country"), a fake news show in Israel--like the Daily show, but much darker. I don't know how I haven't mentioned this before, but one of their recurring sketches is called May's Blog. The character May is a blond, bitchy, and rich Israeli teenager who forces her friend to be bulimic. Naturally.

I'm Not Cryin', It's Just Been Raining . . . on My Face

Just now, I cried during Survivor again. The show brought the contestants' loved ones to the island for a mission, and the reunions were just as melodramatic as any other Israeli interaction ever. Everyone was running toward their loved one in slow-mo and then the camera spun around the two figures hugging and crying. It's like, chill, you haven't seen your family for 40 days. Big whoop. But whaevs. When one girl hugged her mommy, I shed a tear. I am whack.

The pic above is of Yoav, this lame-ass who is obsessed with his girlfriend
"Jackie." He talks about her constantly and cries about the fact that she's not with him. Their reunion cracked me up.

CULTS: They're So "Crazy" and Completely Different from Us!

Yesterday, I hung out with my parents' friend Raia (yes, I hang out with my parents' friends, shuttup) and had Shabbat dinner. Then, we watched a news expose on cults in Israel. David Koresh was mentioned. I enjoyed the Waco shout-out. The report also called messianic Judaism a cult, but I immediately fell asleep at that point, since it was just like listening to my friend Baruch tell lullaby-like stories of his messianic family. Go figure.

The reporters kept caling all the cults mentioned "crazy" and "insane" without really explaining what makes people join cults or what the cult leaders were even preaching. It was a very non-enlightening report.

One thing that caught my attention, though, was the reporter's focus on all the incentives that cult leaders provide their followers. They often lure followers with monetary support and tell them they'll find love/a partner in the cult.

This reminded me of this large intentional community in the Middle East that lures Jewish youth into it using monetary grants, educational subsidies, and the promise of Jewish love.

See what I did there?

Yo Ya

Oh my! There is so much to write about in ye olde blog, and so little time. And by "so little time," I mean "it's Passover break at teh office and I can write on the blog all day except that I might go camping on the Dead Sea so never mind!"

Even though it's old news, I must tell you more about Tel Aviv's 100th birthday celebrations. But I won't right now.

And there is so much to be said about Passover on the kibbutz, but, again, that will have to wait.

Instead, I've decided to compile, for your viewing pressure, some choice Israeli music videos that crack me up every time. This was going to be a Top 10 countdown of Israeli vids on YouTube, but I ended up finding a bunch of completely random videos that hold no relation to each other. So I will bullet these instead of numbering them (which I should always do anyway, otherwise some people start thinking I said they're the best when I didn't mean to).

So, here are some random, hilar Israeli vids:

• What can I say? I have a special place in my heart for Israeli faux new wave.

• Israel won the Eurovision song contest with this song. In the chorus, the singer says "I love you" with a "b" sound after every syllable. Hence, "abanibi obonebev obotabach" instead of "ani ohev otach." Who thought of this, and why?

• Eurovision never fails to bring the lols. This is my favorite Israeli Eurovision video of all time. The guy in the background in 1:25 is a particular fave. Mesmerizing. Also, Jewfros.
  

• Last year, my BFF Sarah became obsessed with this song by famed Israeli tranny Dana International. She made me listen to it non-stop. In time, I have come to appreciate its ridiculosity, esp. when dude-with-yamakkah shows up mid-vid. By the way, this song is about male prostitutes.
  

• One of my favorite shows as a kid was "Lo Kolel Sherut" (Gratuity Not Included), about a group of waiters in Tel Aviv. The show had a musical component. Elinor Aharon's Hebrew version of "Like a Prayer" also comes from this show. (That song is not in this list because it is simply TOO awesome.)

This song depicts a girl looking completely blase even though she's singing about sensual lovin:

• I die.

• Arik Einstein, the king. I've already posted a bunch of his videos on the blog, but here's one more, for misogyny's sake.

• I said I wasn't going to number these, but I lied. This is the #1 best Israeli video of all time. I got a few of my Austin friends completely hooked on this song. It makes me so giddy, so giddy, so Gidi Gov.

That is all, my friends. Next time, I'll post my favorite Israeli videos: children's video edition. Moments from the Israeli Jungle Book Musical will be included.

In other news, I can't find my coat, and I am really starting to think that bitch from the picture below really has stolen it. Identity thief!

Watchin' things, feelin' feelings

I have been a little off for the past few days. I cried a little during a Survivor episode in which all the contestants talk about missing their families and show personal objects they brought from home. To reiterate, I cried during a reality show. At least it wasn't America's Next Top Model.

I also got way too much zest for life while watching a Sex and the City season two episode (which I've never watched before--how could it be?). The episode was all about empowering yourself while being alone, blah blah blah. At the end of the ep, Carrie sits at a cafe and gets a glass of wine alone with "no man, no girlfriends, no book, no armor, ALONE." Usually these types of sentences in Sex and the City ruin the show for me. But I was like, "YEAH! I can sit at cafes alone! AND DRINK WINE! I think I'll have some wine! Now! Wine! I mean, alone!" Anyways, I need help.

It didn't help that Carrie was dressed like this (while dancing retardedly):

Stole my summer 2k8 look.

Point is: I'm going to go watch more television now.

Thank God I'm Getting a Job

So, if it isn't apparent already, ever since I stopped having a job in November, I've been watching massive amounts of TV. My unemployment status ends on Monday (eeep!), but for now, most of my experiences involve THE TUBE, that old-timey mesmerizing machine of yesteryear. Yesterday, I watched a documentary called Welcome to Tehran where this journalist dude hangs out in Tehran, basically. He interviewed a bunch of people, and a lot of the time, their descriptions of Iran seemed very apt as descriptions for Israel, too. But that's probably because I'm self-centered and relate every TV show to ME AND MY LIFE. (This is completely unrelated, but every time I say the word 'television' in my head, it sounds the way Kenneth would
say it on 30 Rock).

One woman, who runs a cancer non-profit, was saying: Most of my friends have left Iran, but if everyone leaves, who will show the world that we're not really what we seem to them? There will be no one to change things if everyone left.

(And then I was tearing up and yelling "Yeah!" at the TV.)

Then at the end of the doc, the journalist said: The residents of Tehran face many problems, one of them being living in a congested, overpopulated city. And they face a government which seems more and more out of touch with its people. But Iranians have a deep love of their country.

I felt like he was speaking right to me! I know Iran is different from Israel in a lot of ways, but in many ways it's the same. So many people leave or want to leave Israel, and many people have given up on it. No one expects anything good to come out of our government. Yet some of us still live here. A lot of "us" are crazy (and thus are not people I want to put in an "us" category, but more of a "them"), but some of us, aka me, are not crazy! Well, I guess I can be a little crazy, but at least I'm not a racist religious fanatic, so that's a start!

The journalist also talked about the Iranian tradition of offering people things that they're supposed to refuse. The journalist's cab driver invited him to dinner
at his house, and the journalist said yes. After a while, the cab driver and the translator told him about how Persians offer you things like paintings or food that you're really supposed to say no to, and the journalist got embarrassed. This brought back some memories. Chris, I still owe you for doing all those awesome, undeserved favors for me that I was really supposed to say no to.
But whatevs, you offered.

In other tantalizing television news, Shulamit Aloni was featured on a political talk show (aka yelling show) yesterday! She's a little old lady now, but she kicked the asses of the conservative panelists on the show. It was inspiring. She did all the yelling I do at the TV for me. This entire war, I haven't seen ANY progressive voices on TV and it's PISSED ME OFF. (Among other things which have pissed me off). Aloni was a long-awaited voice of wisdom. Whenever the other panelists tried to point out some "fact", she would just yell "no, not true" and shake her head at them. And then a woman called in from Southern Israel talking about how she's for the war but she really "feels for Arabs" and "has a bunch of Arab friends." She actually said "I have Arab friends!" WTF? Sorry, that little story was unrelated to Aloni's awesomeness but I just had to share the retardation. Then, Shulamit Aloni was going on and on about how Israel made Gaza into a jail and the conservative guy said "and who's fault is that?" (that's what they all say on these stupid shows) and Aloni yelled "it's the occupation's fault!"

She brought down the house. Best little old lady ever. Except for my grandma, of course.

In conclusion, there's been some good stuff on TV. The end.

Reality TV, ur not helping

Chanukah, Chanukah, la-di la la la.

My mom has gotten addicted to the Israeli version of Big Brother, and tonight, she put on the recap episode which followed around two of the contestants' families.

One dude's mom was talking about how her kid (the contestant) is "like a lover" to her because he compliments her a lot, and that she believes that in a past life, they were lovers, and that there's something sexual about it. She also says that she can't wait to lie down next to him when he gets back from the reality show.

I seriously almost barfed. Barf barf barf. Vom vom vom.

I hope I do not run into this woman, among other people, in Israel. Seriously this woman is nuts.

The Dog Show, I's seen it!

M sister Gal and I went to see SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. I wish stoopid Wes Anderson could watch Slumdog Millionaire and feel ashamed about the abomination that is Darjeeling Limited Too. Yes, I know they are completely different films, but Danny Boyle is the superior white person making a movie about India, okay?

****If you haven't watched Slumdog Millionaire, please STOP READING NOW.****

I totally thought I knew the answer to the Three Musketeers question on Millionaire. I even talked about it with my sister in the theater and started chanting my answer a little bit.

This is because when I was little, I watched a cartoon in Hebrew about the Three Musketeers, except that all the characters were dogs. When I saw the answer choices in the Millionaire question, I remembered Cardinal Richelieu, the bad guy from the show--an evil dog--so I knew that wasn't the answer. I also remembered D'Artangan, because his name is constantly repeated in the theme song. I also remembered he had a sword. So I was SURE the answer was D'Artangan.

Except it wasn't, and I'm a dumbass who thought I knew everything based on my hazy recollection of a dog cartoon.



Obvi, now is time for some dialogue from the sequel to Slumdog Millionaire, called Fdog Loser: Dog Show or Bust.

Cop: "But you didn't know the Musketeer question, DID YOU?" (Throws some gasoline on me)

Me: "I just remembered a dog! A fucking dog!" (Scream as I am lit on fire)

Cop: "Well then, how did you know what kind of paper a report card is made out of? Huh?"

Me: "My sister Yael once wiped her butt with my sister Gal's report card and then sold it on the black market. Hah."

Cop slaps me.

Etc. etc.

Sad story.

Here is the amazing intro song to Dogtanian and the Muskerhounds in Hebrew:

And here it is, with video, in English:

And here is an amazing article explaining the show: http://www.phantomframe.co.uk/dogtanian.htm