think before you blog

I am avoiding unpacking so I will write a blogspot separated into a "wartime" section and an "other" section.

Wartime for F.
Okay, I've calmed down a bit. The last couple of posts were written in the heat of the moment and some of the things I wrote do not actually make any sense (for example, I know that the purpose of the Gaza offensive isn't to kill civilians, even though some civilians are dying--though I tend to feel uneasy about saying a military offensive is or is not meant to kill civilans. I'll just stop talking now). I guess what I'm saying is: please don't treat the last two posts as solid, coherent political commentary.

I'm going to try not to comment too much on the political situation for a bit since I have a hard time writing anything profound when "the situation" escalates. It's just bewildering to me and I don't even know where to begin. One day, hopefully soon, I'll be able to write about my political leanings. If anything, the latest crisis is making me want to sit down and learn to express my feelings about it without getting swept up in rhetoric or emotion. Actually, learning to talk about anything without getting too swept up in emotion should probably be my general life goal.

So for political commentary, I will point you to someone who can be practical and talk strategy without going into histrionics: David Grossman. Here's what he wrote in Ha'Aretz: http://www.haaretz.com/hasen/spages/1051008.html

Other than that, I'm going to stay mum on all of this because what can I say?

"Other"
1. Hulu doesn't work in Israel! Time for me to cry about it.
2. I've already eaten two cottage cheese sandwiches. Israeli cottage cheese is unparalleled. Unparalleled!
3. My mommy made me a surprise blanket that I found in my suitcase last night. She sewed on pictures of the F.mily (pictures printed on fabric) to this really soft blanket and it is very cute. This present made me feel very Eema-otional.
4. Here is video of people clapping in the plane when we arrived in Tel Aviv. I must say, their clapping is a little unenthusiastic, no? I also didn't know how to make the video right-side up. Meh.



That's all for now. Time for me to listen to NWA, unpack, and call my cousin 300 times. Lehitraot!

i'm expressing with my full capabilities, and now i'm living in correctional facilities

I moved to Israel today. I'm really jetlagged. My cousin is going to dodge some qasaam rockets at work tomorrow. Why are the IDF and Hamas starting so much drama right now? Everyone seems scared and upset. Not an auspicious day to move here, I guess.

Someone actually told me today "Hope you have a nice adjustment period with no qasaams." Eema'le! (But the qasaams are not hitting my city so don't worry about me--for now they're just hitting Ashkelon and Ashdod. My cousin works in Ashdod but they barely got any qasaams today so she'll be fine.)

Plus, all the news anchors have been using the word "war" way too much. I do not like this. I will most likely try to ignore this by watching a lot of 30 Rock and having tea parties with stuffed animals.

January 20, please come! Barry, save the day.

Okay I'm going to stop talking about "current events" now. New Year's is two days away and I might go out to Tel-Aviv yay yay fun fun.

Also, my flight was hilarious. More on this later. I'm going to go to sleep now. Just needed an incoherent jetlagged post.

All this, for me?

Just yesterday I was watching a feature story on the rocket fire in Sderot and the area, and now I see that Israel is making sure to "retaliate" by . . . killing civilians. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/28/world/middleeast/28mideast.html?_r=1&hp

This fireworks/death display is timed just for my arrival. I know it's the thought that counts, but really, Israel, you shouldn't have.

30 Rock Quote of the Moment

"You look like Gene Simmons had sex with a basset hound" -Liz Lemon to Frank

Tel Aviv is going downhill

I haven't even arrived in Tel-Aviv yet, and already I hear bad news about the city going downhill.

I was really looking forward to attending this "orgy for peace" sponsored by an alien religion, but it has been cancelled. Here is the proof: http://perezhilton.com/2008-12-25-orgy-for-peace-cancelled. I guess I'll have to attend "rock-throwing for modesty" in Jerusalem instead. Oh wells.

Reality TV, ur not helping

Chanukah, Chanukah, la-di la la la.

My mom has gotten addicted to the Israeli version of Big Brother, and tonight, she put on the recap episode which followed around two of the contestants' families.

One dude's mom was talking about how her kid (the contestant) is "like a lover" to her because he compliments her a lot, and that she believes that in a past life, they were lovers, and that there's something sexual about it. She also says that she can't wait to lie down next to him when he gets back from the reality show.

I seriously almost barfed. Barf barf barf. Vom vom vom.

I hope I do not run into this woman, among other people, in Israel. Seriously this woman is nuts.

The Dog Show, I's seen it!

M sister Gal and I went to see SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE. I wish stoopid Wes Anderson could watch Slumdog Millionaire and feel ashamed about the abomination that is Darjeeling Limited Too. Yes, I know they are completely different films, but Danny Boyle is the superior white person making a movie about India, okay?

****If you haven't watched Slumdog Millionaire, please STOP READING NOW.****

I totally thought I knew the answer to the Three Musketeers question on Millionaire. I even talked about it with my sister in the theater and started chanting my answer a little bit.

This is because when I was little, I watched a cartoon in Hebrew about the Three Musketeers, except that all the characters were dogs. When I saw the answer choices in the Millionaire question, I remembered Cardinal Richelieu, the bad guy from the show--an evil dog--so I knew that wasn't the answer. I also remembered D'Artangan, because his name is constantly repeated in the theme song. I also remembered he had a sword. So I was SURE the answer was D'Artangan.

Except it wasn't, and I'm a dumbass who thought I knew everything based on my hazy recollection of a dog cartoon.



Obvi, now is time for some dialogue from the sequel to Slumdog Millionaire, called Fdog Loser: Dog Show or Bust.

Cop: "But you didn't know the Musketeer question, DID YOU?" (Throws some gasoline on me)

Me: "I just remembered a dog! A fucking dog!" (Scream as I am lit on fire)

Cop: "Well then, how did you know what kind of paper a report card is made out of? Huh?"

Me: "My sister Yael once wiped her butt with my sister Gal's report card and then sold it on the black market. Hah."

Cop slaps me.

Etc. etc.

Sad story.

Here is the amazing intro song to Dogtanian and the Muskerhounds in Hebrew:

And here it is, with video, in English:

And here is an amazing article explaining the show: http://www.phantomframe.co.uk/dogtanian.htm

10 days until the Mayssiah returns

As everyone knows, I’ve been wearing all the same clothes since high school. People used to come up to me in Austin and say things like “I used to have that shirt. Is that from Gap 2002ish?” Shameful!

I finally threw out all those clothes. ALL of them.

I did, though, somehow manage to keep all three of my hot pink cardigans. Even my fave one from 7^th grade that I bought when my “introduction to business” class went on a field trip to the mall (Grapevine Mills in Dallas, naturally). All I remember from that field trip is that everyone was wearing those beaded bracelets in all kinds of different colors, and the colors stood for things like "harmony" and "peace" or something. Do you remember those? I saw Katy Curtis wear those the other day—just sayin’!

And this is my fabulous life 10 days away from moving: throwing away old, non-hot-pink clothes, getting my shoes re-soled, and getting my pants hemmed. Wowie wow wow. Life is a wonderful treasure, 4 me.

Moving to a different country = big plate of boring sandwich.

Vomit: It Happens

The baby my mom babysits threw up a piece of cardboard (and lots of food) today. Then he laughed about it.

Shablam?

17 days

Yesterday I decided that maybe, now that I'm basically two weeks away from moving, I should look up all the bureaucracy I'll have to go through once in Schmisrael. And, guess what? Once I move, I have to do a lot of stuff. Stupid stuff! Stupid errandy stuff!

The one thing I hate most about growing up is all this paperwork and all these errands that come with getting a house, insurance, job, blah blah blah blah blah. It just clutters up my life with BORINGNESS. I don't want.

To deal with these shenanigans / shenaneries, I will make myself a good playlist on my pod, and listen to it while I wait to do different errands in Israel. I might even download more This American Life episodes to help me through these errands. Who knows? I'm crazy!

The This American Life tactic did work when I had to go on 20-hour bus rides in Mexico (though it worked less well on those buses when I was going on one hour of sleep, dealing with a hangover, and having to listen to The Golden Compass blaring out of the TVs in Spanish).

ANYWAYS, the point is that I am not excited for Israeli Errand Bonanza '09.

But, there are more important things to talk about today, namely that I found an amazing photo gallery of Nefesh B'Nefesh flights. Let me explain. I got a grant to move to Israel with Nefesh B'Nefesh, this private organization that gives $$ and help to joos to move to Israel. I have some qualms about this, but I needed the help and they had the resources, so I am going on one of their flights.

The thing about this organization is that many religious / ideologically motivated people go on these flights. They even kiss the ground when they get to Israel. And they wrap themselves in Israeli flags! It is out of control.

The closest thing I've ever done to kissing the ground is licking this pavement in a parking lot in Dallas. Abby, Matt Walker, and I were going to an Of Montreal show (when they were good!) but the highway was closed (WTF) so we just went to this tacky restaurant in the middle of nowhere and licked a parking lot. Well, I licked a parking lot. The worst part is that when we were stuck on the highway I really needed to pee (and we were stuck for 1.5 hours), so I was thisclose to peeing on the side of the highway. Sad times.

To see people of other people licking the ground--well, I guess kissing the ground, go here: http://www.nbn.org.il/gal2/. Okay, most of the photos are of people getting off planes, but believe me, there is ground-kissing involved!

A Hebrew joke book (yes, it's come to this)

Hello. I am M.F. This is my new blog. In two and a half weeks, I am moving to Tel-Aviv. Some would say I am "making aliyah." Which only makes me hum "Tell Me You're That Somebody" in my head. Especially the digitized baby/cat noises. Why did you have to die, Aaliyah?!

I've been very nervous about my impending move, so I have come up with some strategies to make my first few months in Israel more comforting. A few days ago, I came up with phase one of the strategy, which involves: drinking, going to the beach, smoking nargila, lots of therapy, and buying both seasons of 30 Rock on DVD to watch over and over.

Yesterday, I came up with phase two of the strategy, which is to watch lots of Israeli TV so that I can have cultural references to bring up in conversation. It is always awkward when I talk to Israeli people because they understand none of my jokes. I should probably also start listening to Israeli music, and other types of bad music, so I can fit in. Eurotrash city, here I come!

My BFF Sarah suggested that I buy a Hebrew jokes book and memorize assorted jokes to make Israeli people laugh. This might also become part of the strategy. I might also start memorizing IDF abbreviations so I can pretend to know what everyone is talking about when they talk about being in the army.

See? I have so many great ideas on how to make my new, Bauhaus-filled surroundings less awkward. Isn't moving to Israel great?

Shablam for now,

M.

PS: A baby just spit up on me. :(