I Want to Rap Battle the World

More months have gone by without me tending to the blog that no one reads anymore. It's as if this blog has lost its reason for existence. Kind of like Israel itself. JUST KIDDING GUYS.

Tel Aviv has felt fabulous to me lately, and I even found edible Mexican food here. (This was the biggest revelation of the year.)

The Pixies show was cancelled but at least I saved $100 (that is, if I ever get my ass to go get the money refunded.)

And I'm very proud of myself because I haven't watched the new season of Survivor (Israeli version) at all. This kind of only happened because the cable company blocked our pirated cable connection, but ya know.

Despite all the annoying tourists, summer is magic, as always. Feels strange that I've been living in the TLV for a year and a half now. WTF? I haven't even learned any new army abbreves yet!

I haven't written here in a while because the whole flotilla incident made me full of rage all the time and I couldn't really handle writing anything besides "jakdgjoiu!k3432udsjn,xksdj1". I hadn't been politically involved for a few months before it happened, and I kinda sprung back into action after that. I just so angry and couldn't stop thinking about politics/war/etc. I went to protests for the sole reason that my yelling would be encouraged and accepted. And now I'm worried I'm getting complacent again. It's so hard for me not to feel like everything is completely hopeless and wonder what difference I can even make. Worst of all, I feel like I've been directing the bulk of my anger at American activists and their seeming stupidity, which is really kind of unconnected and is totally just me projecting. They're not the enemy, but sometimes I act like it anyway. I need to work my shit out. And maybe one day, in the near or far future, a coherent post will appear on this here blog and all will be well.

Beloved

I've been on a Shablool kick today, specifically the song Ma She'Yoter Amok Yoter Kachol (Whatever's Deeper Is More Blue). It's one of those songs you can just dance to in front of your mirror, perhaps with a hair brush in hand. Or while jumping on the bed. Or any other cliche activities that people perform while listening to awesome songs (driving with your hand out the window? standing outside of someone's window with a boombox over your head?).

My favorite video version is this one, because you can see my neighborhood in the distance, and Tel Aviv looked SO SHITTY when this video was made. Cracks me up. Just a bunch o' sand and dilapidated buildings. AMAZING. I think Arik is running around the beach I usually go to, which rules. One day, I will see him in Tel Aviv! He is the ultimate celeb sighting. And one day, Tel Aviv will look like this again, and I won't have to worry about people in huge skyscrapers staring at me while I sit on my balcony.
Here's the vid:

Unfortunately, the audio ain't too good on the Shitty Tel Aviv vid, so here's a better version:


<3

Arik is my favorite!*

*Except for when he sings cheesy, sentimental songs like Oof Gozal.

Look at Me, Busy as a Bee...

Damn, I am beginning to understand Israelis' obsession with New Age shit (yes, I am aware that I am Israeli and have always been into New Age shit, but let's just pretend I'm more of a foreigner than I really am and that the New Ageyness of Israelis is new to me).

It's just that you really have to be fucking zen to get through a day in Tel Aviv. Every day, I meet so many people I want to scream at, but I restrain myself. Like the scary frazzled woman on the bus today who was putting her bare feet on the seat in front of me. Or 99% of bus drivers. Well, okay, I guess my frustrations, as usual, mostly have to do with the bus, but ya know.

Thank God I do yoga. (I say this while dressed in full yoga gear even though I decided NOT to go to yoga after I put all my yoga clothes on. Instead I watched TV.)

And to think how much calmer I am now than I was when I first got here. (Did you know I've almost been here 1 year? OMG.) I was basically hyperventilating/crying every 2 secs 10 months ago, runnin round like a chicken with its head cut off.

Despite my current semi-calmness, I don't understand how I'm this exhausted every day simply from riding the bus, sitting in a cubicle, and riding the bus again. How does that tire a person so much? It just ain't right.

Maybe I should start doing meth?

Then I could be like this chipper young woman:



Hah, that never fails to crack me up.

Balloon Boys: What a Hoax!

I just got back from the Rabin rememberance rally. Never before have I seen so many 14-year-olds with Peace Now stickers! I felt like an alcoholic on Mardi Gras, like this is the one day a year when MY WAY is socially acceptable. Suddenly everyone was a leftist! People were signing up left and right for the Peace Now listserv. What is the deal?

And the 14-year-olds, oh the 14-year-olds. They really wanted our Peace Now balloons and would not shut up about them. "Can I have a balloon?" "No." "What if I sit here all evening? Can I get the balloon then?" "No, honey, but don't worry, there are lots of balloons out there that you can have in the future. Life is long." "But I want the balloon. Promise me you won't give the balloon to anyone else." "No."

Jeez Louise! The teens need to tone it down with the balloon-wanting!

Anyways, the rally felt self-congratulatory and fauxgressive. I mean, what was Ehud Barak doing there?! This event was as filled with hot air as our coveted Peace Now balloons.

This Is Like the Time(s) I Told My Friends that Instead of Getting Drunk, We Could Just Spin Around A Lot and We'd Get the Same Effect

I haven't charged my iPod in a LONG TIME. Nor have I put new music on it. I've been listening to the same shit since 2005!

The iPod has stopped accompanying me to the bus lately, but I still want to avoid the insane noise of the other passengers (unless they're telling stories like this lovely gem: "so my daughter dated this guy, and he was kinda controlling so she broke it off. Then he calls me and tells me, 'Please talk to your daughter. I want her back.' I tell him, 'Listen, you'll have to talk to her about this--I'm not her messenger.' Next thing you know, he stabs her in an alley! He's under house arrest now." Wait, what?).

So my new tactic is to just sing music to myself in my head! It's almost like listening to real music, but not. The lyrics ain't too pretty: "a rather shade of blaine with a wider shade of grass and this emory bore is giving me a glass." I sound like Pavement, but it's more like crooked pavement with dog poop on it. And the songs all blend together. And many times I end up having some horrible song that I heard at Aroma stuck in my head. But it is environmentally friendly. And I'm still too lazy to go charge the ol' pod.

My bus preparation skills need to be taken up a notch.

I'm sleepy so I guess I won't write about the shooting at the gay gathering-place by my house, or all these summer-madness murders, or the fact that Tel Aviv is insanely hot right now and I want to GET OUT and go to New England or Canada or somethin'.

Blargh. Let's hope that at least my plants will survive this summer!

The Transitions in This Blog Post Are Lacking

Things have been rather quiet on ye olde mfthewebsite. That's because one of my only readers, my little sister, is visiting me from Obamaland. I "blog" to her on a regular basis by "talking," so "blogging" seems rather redundant.

I will say this, though: Visiting your favorite serene artists' village is not as fun once you realize the artists created this village by taking over "abandoned" Arab houses. The visit is further dampened by your realization that all the Arab owners of the houses live 5 minutes away in a makeshift village of their own.

But the Dada museum in the Ein Hod Artists' Village is still pretty cool. Check it out.

I will also say this: The Survivor finale is coming up, and I barely even care who's going to win. What is happening to the world? And how will I pass the time after Survivor ends? Only time will tell.

I will finish with this video:

Reason for video: An obnoxious blond with a Paris-Hilton-like baby voice and a tiny puppy was parading herself around the cafe where my sister and I were eating breakfast. After a while, I realized she was Rony Superstar, the lamest Israeli pop sensation of all time, and singer of the "song" in the video above. I'm still embarrassed by the lameness level of Israeli celebs I recognize.

Oh, that reminds me: I went to see Yona Wallach: The Play the other day. They actually performed Tefillin (though without the last stanza for some reason). And they performed Strawberries, one of my favorite poems. The play was aight, though I think they could've done a lot more with the poems. I also think I should've been able to watch Tefillin performed without giggling. This was not the case, unfortch.

Mehover

I have gotten a She's-All-That-style makeover so I can win Homecoming Queen. This makeover includes new, dorkier glasses, and hair befitting of early-90's-Mariah-Carey and/or Russell Brand.

The evidence is to your left.

My hairdresser was a crazy older guy with short gray hair cut in a triangle shape the middle of his head, and shoulder-length gray hair on the sides. He was dancing around while cutting my hair and did his best to give me a Jewfro. Israeli hairdressers are out of control. I was very entertained indeed.

My goal of becoming the physical embodiment of the following song is now underway. (Song starts at 0:40).

Overbearing/Upsetting/Funny

My day in Tel Aviv today included:

1. I was walking by my house and yawned, as I often do. A storeowner got out of his store and said "Cover your mouth while you're yawning or a fly will get in there!" I wish this was the first time a stranger on the street in Israel told me to cover my mouth while yawning.

2. This is really upsetting: I walked out of my house and saw a cat lying down and moving around in the middle of the road. I thought he was just hanging out, but then I saw all this blood around him. He was dying! I called my cousin who has a lot of experience with animal shelters and asked her if there's a service I can call who can take the cat to an animal hospital. She said no! It was so disturbing. Poor cat.

3. I was waiting for a sherut (mini-bus cab) and these two girls walk by and stand on the road in front of me. At first, I thought they were trying to steal my sherut when it comes by, and that I'd have to fight them for it, and that it'd be annoying. Then I realized they were hookers trying to get a "free ride" somewhere. They kept stopping traffic by talking to potential johns, who didn't even pull over for some reason. There was a traffic jam because of all this potential hooking. Let's hope Richard Gere stops for them.

In conclusion, Tel Aviv can be summed up by overbearing strangers, dying cats, and hookers.

Tel Aviv: Now Dressing Like M.F.

I just got back from my Passover trip to Kibbutz Sasa. When I walked into the apartment, my window was slightly ajar. I think this woman was here while I was gone, and stole all my clothes. She did not find those shoes here, however.

Source: http://israblog.nana10.co.il/tblogread.asp?blog=387973

Today, Tel Aviv is celebrating its 100th birthday at Rabin Square. My roommate is part of the show--he's rollerblading it. (Heh.)

So here's to Tel Aviv: the non-stop honking outside my window, the scary kitties and their kitty fights, the people riding motorcycles on sidewalks and almost running me over, the pretty trees (desert, ur blooming), the beach, the beautiful men that walk down Rothschild (nom nom nom), the cute puppehz, the random Orthodox people, the shuk, the free shots at bars (you are a blessing and a curse), the people who are nice to lefty activists on the street, the Russian prostitutes, the bougie cafes, the sketchiness, the hummus, the vintage clothes, the French people (just kidding, they're annoying), the construction, the ugly-ass graffiti, and the old people who yell at me on the bus.

HERE IS TO YOU.

DOG

While walking down Rotschild, it's fun to pretend you are the ghost doggiez from Waltz With Bashir

(They hit up my hood at about 1:07 or so).

Eshkol Nevo, Ice Cube you are not

After a few weeks of teeth-gnashing, I am finally done with the novel that I bought that one day on Shenkin: Eshkol Nevo's Homesick (which in Hebrew is called Four Houses, and Yearning--translation, a celebration, I suppose).

This book kept pissing me off but I finished it anyway. Now that it's done with, I am a little fond of it. Homesick for it, perhaps? Paha.

The thing that pissed me off most about the book was that the author kept rhyming his sentences. I kept rolling my eyes and cursing audibly while reading on the bus because of this. Who rhymes their sentences? For paragraphs on end? In a novel? Jesus Christ! I. Could. Not. Handle. It. It was beginning to give me physical symptoms and at one point I almost threw up because it was so dizzying.

And Nevo is way fond of cliches. I know, I'm the one to talk, but he doesn't even play around with these cliches or does anything interesting with them. His books feel like Israeli talking points at times. For example, his character's insistence that there are three types of existences--soldierhood, citizenhood, and trekkinghood. This sentence is the literary cliche equivalent of writing a story about four Israeli dudes who have been BFFs since kindergarten. Oh wait, he wrote that book too. It's called One Wish to the Right. I read it in Jersey.

But the worst part is that he always has his characters trash Tel-Aviv (in speech only and not with actual trash, even though that would be more interesting). This bitch character who I never liked anyway was going on and on about how in Tel-Aviv "everyone's gay, or lesbian, or in touch with their bisexuality. And left-wing, of course. As if there's no other way. As if a political opinion is just another outfit, another trend you have to follow, and not something personal . . . There's something comfortable about [this city]. Comfortable like marrying your first high school boyfriend. No one threatens you too much here. No one would throw a rock at you if you drive on Shabbat; they won't say the Oslo agreements are a gamble, and you probably won't see real Arabs in front of your face . . ." (bold mine).

Aaah, she said "real Arabs" WTF. So many dumb stereotypes about Austin-TX-I-mean-Tel-Aviv. You'd think the author would find something a little more nuanced to say about such a multifaceted city. This author is reinforcing a narrative of "Tel-Aviv = rich white people, everyone else in Israel = ethnic poor people." He's writing the Israeli version of the tv show Friends. Let's pretend everyone is white and rich and wholesome LOL. Gah shuttup.

I guess I like Nevo's books enough to keep reading them. We all know that I am a sucker for Israeli cliches at the end of the day. It is embarrassing but I can't help it.

I'm just glad that the rhyming bonanza is over for now.

Tel Aviv, you make my heart sing

I had black coffee today ("black coffee" is a Hebrew term--I think it's called Turkish coffee in English, meh) and got super happy/creative/jittery. I get in these moods a lot when coffee is involved.

I walked around Tel Aviv and felt so happy. It was like the Cleveland 30 Rock episode when Liz and Floyd see a chic older lady walking down the street and triumphantly yelling "oh, how I love New York in the spring" and then someone pushes her into some trash. Except in my case, there was no shoving-into-trash involved! And then I did some vintage shopping, which made me even happier. When I was living in Jersey for a couple of months right before I moved to Jew World, I bought so many boring, Eema-approved clothes so that I could look professional when I started working in Israel, blah blah blah. And I've felt like the biggest Gap-clad loser ever since. I mean, I am M.F.; I wear only shiny purple flowery shit. I should not look like I work at the mall!

So today's xtreme vintage shopping brought a little non-Eema magic back to my life. I got mustard/turquoise flats with bright yellow trim. I got white/black checkered-looking sneakers (not Hot Topicky-looking, I swear). I also got a big vaguely pastel sweater and a black velvet purse with gold trim. Sha. Blam. I'll be looking like some Austin douche in no time!

Tel-Aviv life rules. It's like being in Austin but the bars are all closer to my house. The bars here play amazing music. I thought that in Israel, I'd be knee-deep in bad techno all the time, but everywhere I go I hear lots of ridic 90's stuff and adorbs Hebrew classics. The other day, I went to a bar that played the rap from Space Jam, and last night, this one bar played one of my favorite songs from Ha'Lehaka:

It gets good at 1:56 or so.

And, to top off this post of happiness, AVIV AND I FOUND AN APARTMENT! In the neighborhood where only pretty people live in Tel-Aviv. Our apartment is beautiful. I will post pix when I move in, which will only be in a few weeks. But damn, it is really nice and renovated and we have TWO balconies, and our floors have pretty drawings on them, and I will be fulfilling my childhood dream of living in Tel-Aviv. OMG. The most adorable part of the whole thing is that I'll be living pretty close to my baby apartment, i.e. the apartment I lived in as a baby/toddler.

My only problem these days is that I'm not sure who to vote for in the elections. I'm thinking of writing in Barack Obama.

She's no Michal Yanai, but...

Oh, hello there, lady-from-my-mom-and-I's-workout-videos. What are you doing in the same bar as me, drinking and smoking and laughing in such a relaxed manner? Just wanted to let you know that I thought you were good in that one children's video that incorporated one lady acting as five different types of grandmas.

No fightin'; (Shakira, Shakira...)

Here is a SHOCKING fact. Did you know that Hamas uses children as human shields? Children!

Actually, that practice has been disputed and greatly exaggerated. That argument is just an excuse for Israel to target civilians.

Israel doesn't target civilians. Hamas targets civilians by shooting rockets into residential areas of Israel. Israel is just trying to target terrorists but sometimes there are civilian casualties.

Well, technically since Gaza isn't a state, everyone there is a civilian.

But Israel is entitled to self-protection when other entities try to harm its citizens.

Hamas is just using these rockets as self-defense. Gazans are stuck in what essentially is an open air prison. Their rockets are small and not very harmful compared to what Israel is using on them. Barely any Israelis have even died from these rocket attacks.

But Israel has developed an advanced alarm system and a shelter system for its citizens in the South, which is why its citizens are better protected from rockets.

Hamas does not have the budget to protect its citizens to this degree, because they do not receive as much international aid. Actually, Gazans barely have access to basic supplies.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Guys, pls stop fightin cos M.F. iz hurr 2 save the day duhz.

Also,

"Am Israel Pi" Graffiti in Tel Aviv (um duh it's a play on Am Israel Chai--the Nation of Israel Lives)

Happy Bday, Future Celeb Sighting

How could I forget? Happy belated 70th, Arik!

The radio stations were playing so many Arik Einstein songs on my rides to the North yesterday. So exquisite.

I wish he was my friend.



Can't. Handle. It.

sleepiness = a list for you

1. The night of New Year's I took a cab ride to Tel-Aviv with a driver who, the entire ride, was holding up a torn piece of newspaper with some woman's picture on it. Thought he was going to kill me, but he didn't. He just dropped me off at my friend Alex/Aviv's house.

2. Had a weirdo allergic reaction the night of New Year's, which involved lack of breathing, a swollen eye, and me not able to feel my bottom lip. Thankfully, Aviv's friend Yuval had an inhaler and saved the day. The eye didn't heal that night though. I looked HOT during New Year's, let me tell ya! Here's the proof:You can laugh at me all you want.

3. After I started breathing a little better, we went to a GOTH CLUB in South Tel-Aviv(!). They played a metal/punk/something version of Umbrella. There were also lots of people wearing Santa hats. Since my dream in life is to be a '90s teenager I was beaming. Beaming with a swollen eye = not right.

4. Lots of other stuff happened, including me going to Jerusalem, which was rather nice, surprisingly. I took a 20-minute walk through the park and talked to some jolly American Orthodox Jews. I even made friends on the bus, Sarah Godner style! I tried to take pictures for the blog, but alas, I suck at doing that.

5. I feel an irrational sense of happiness living here. Things just feel right. Just thought I should say that? Shablam?

Awkward transition time:
6. War update: We're all still scared for my cousin. Her coworker videochatted with her after a rocket hit his neighbor's house today. Eeek, I say. I am really upset that Israel is now putting ground forces, including reserves forces (!) into Gaza. I am very concerned (understatement of the year) for Gazans' safety. I'm also worried for the soldiers, one of which is a boy I used to tutor in Dallas. I personally don't agree with the way this whole operation has been put on, but again, I'm still not comfortable talking about this on the interwebs. I might send some of you a personal email about it. Hmmm.

Okay, it's 2 am here. I should sleep, right? Right!

Laziest update ever. I'll learn to write properly on this thing at one point. Meh.

Update: Ido, the kid I used to babysit/tutor, is not going into Gaza, for now at least, since he hasn't been in the army for long enough. Phew, for now.

i'm expressing with my full capabilities, and now i'm living in correctional facilities

I moved to Israel today. I'm really jetlagged. My cousin is going to dodge some qasaam rockets at work tomorrow. Why are the IDF and Hamas starting so much drama right now? Everyone seems scared and upset. Not an auspicious day to move here, I guess.

Someone actually told me today "Hope you have a nice adjustment period with no qasaams." Eema'le! (But the qasaams are not hitting my city so don't worry about me--for now they're just hitting Ashkelon and Ashdod. My cousin works in Ashdod but they barely got any qasaams today so she'll be fine.)

Plus, all the news anchors have been using the word "war" way too much. I do not like this. I will most likely try to ignore this by watching a lot of 30 Rock and having tea parties with stuffed animals.

January 20, please come! Barry, save the day.

Okay I'm going to stop talking about "current events" now. New Year's is two days away and I might go out to Tel-Aviv yay yay fun fun.

Also, my flight was hilarious. More on this later. I'm going to go to sleep now. Just needed an incoherent jetlagged post.

Tel Aviv is going downhill

I haven't even arrived in Tel-Aviv yet, and already I hear bad news about the city going downhill.

I was really looking forward to attending this "orgy for peace" sponsored by an alien religion, but it has been cancelled. Here is the proof: http://perezhilton.com/2008-12-25-orgy-for-peace-cancelled. I guess I'll have to attend "rock-throwing for modesty" in Jerusalem instead. Oh wells.